


Cause my heart it ain't that broken

by 1000lux



Category: Black Sails
Genre: Flint's inner thoughts, James McGraw/Thomas Hamilton past, M/M, Thomas lives, established relationship with Silver, prompt-fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-20
Updated: 2016-08-20
Packaged: 2018-08-08 08:12:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,146
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7750072
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/1000lux/pseuds/1000lux
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Flint considers his relationship with Silver in comparison with the one he had with Thomas</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cause my heart it ain't that broken

**Author's Note:**

> DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything! Neither characters or story from the TV series!
> 
>  
> 
> [Full prompt](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/pirate_prompts_2016/prompts/498013)
> 
>  
> 
> I chose this particular prompt because it's a particular pet-topic of my own, Flint choosing Silver over Thomas. Not that I have a problem with stories where the three of them end up together, but all in all I'm team Silver all the way.
> 
> ~~
> 
> The title is from the song of the same name by Leslie Clio

You don't know me, I don't know you  
That's what we tell ourselves inside of our little heads  
We could never love again  
You don't know me, I don't know you  
That's what it's gonna be if you let yourself get in the way

And you will have another grand romance  
Like it's do or die  
Never giving in  
Always let your heart win

(Conchita Wurst - Unstoppable)

****

It's different, they can both feel it. He's undoubtly glad that Thomas is alive, there's no question about that, but just the same, the moment for getting back to what they were has passed. An end that Flint and Miranda believed to have been in those dreadfull first months after their arrival in Nassau, when they got that letter from Peter. An end whose start hadn't been heralded truly until the day Gates had presented them with a new cook. An end that had been irrevocable since a shark hunt while in the doldrums.

He doesn't feel guilty about his choice, John is not the kind of person that goes well with guilt.

What he and Thomas had was very pure, very innocent, despite nothing innocent having been about the things they'd done with each other. A love that will only come once. But then again, doesn't every love? Flint knows that now, is wiser than he was only a year ago. Or more precisely, he's learned that from a particular person, who he's accepted to be wiser about a lot of things. Or, as he'd say, has a healthier mindset.

There was never anything innocent about his and Silver's relationship, right from the start. They had had no illusions about the other. And maybe that made a lot of things easier. Flint thinks he shares a lot of traits with both of them. There is the idealism of Thomas in him, something that Silver only ever rolls his eyes at. But there's also the unscrupulousness of following through with one's plans that he shares with Silver. How they are both willing to stop at nothing to achieve their goals. And then there's also that one ability that he could never dream to wield, that comes naturally to both of them. To mold anyone who listens to them to their every will. And maybe, he thinks, Silver even excells at that. Because he is lacking the naivete that blinded both him and Thomas back then. He would have never underestimated the threat Alfred Hamilton posed, he would have never deemed the man defeated. He wouldn't have put his stock in friendship, he would have built alliances. He would have cheated and lied his way out of everything, leaving his adversaries in the place they'd intended for him. He wouldn't have left London. Take it from me, there's always a way. Flint clearly remembers that day. When he would have still sworn anything he owned, including Miranda's house on Silver trying to fuck him over, when by now it has long been clear where his alliances lie. No, Silver who had claimed for himself that he evaded threats wherever he could, has for all Flint knows thrown himself right into the path of danger more often than not, never for just a second doubting that he has what is needed to get out of it. A man who had the mind to bring him a knife to save another man's life. A man who walked in on a freshly committed murder and considered it only a managable, temporary setback. He wonders if Silver ever was as innocent as him and Thomas.

Maybe Thomas was the one more suited for the man he used to be, but Silver is definitely the man more suited for who he has become. Not Captain Flint, but a harder, warier and all-in-all more realistic version of James McGraw.

Silver, who never had a problem to face this new version of him. Who battles the storm, faces his wrath, his anger often unjustified. Never falters. Never hesitates. Who digs him out of the persona he's build around himself. Who looks at him, when they're all alone, and just sees through to him. Saw through him all along, if they're being honest. Can distinguish between the two men he's become, or more precisely, can not distinguish. Sees James in him, even when he's cruel, rash, makes decisions that even he himself feels ashamed of, no matter how necessary. And it is never pity, Flint sees in his eyes, not disgust either, much less fear. The eyes that meet his are sometimes slightly amused, sometimes sad on his behalf.

Strange pairs, indeed. With both of their alliances the goal was to change something for the better. There had certainly been doubt at the beginning of his and Thomas' relationship. The respect commanded before it was earned. But with him and Silver the alliance had been much more fragile. Every ounce of trust and respect hard earned with tooth and nail. There was no silent understanding over books and plans. There was grim satisfaction over a plan falling into place. A shared glance across the ship's mess hall. A smile on bloodied lips. Respect not freely given, but taken, grudgingly handed over. The understanding to be two of the same kind.  
Of course, the only thing Silver had wanted to change for the better had been his own life, initially. And really, when had Silver's goal changed into accordance with Flint's?  
Unlike his and Thomas' partnership, the thing that had been clear from the beginning with him and Silver, though, had been that they would have to dig deep into the dirt to accomplish something good in the end. A knowledge that had come too late for him and Thomas. And how dirty it had gotten, how ugly. Flint had thought, back then, he had to prepare Thomas for the real world, when he'd been just as blind as him.

He sees Thomas and he sees that he too has changed during the past 11 years. How could he not? He too has lost the innocence they once shared. And, yes, he probably understands the path Flint has chosen. Flint isn't as naive anylonger as to believe Thomas would have been left untouched, his ideals unbroken by what had been taken from him. Unbelievably enough, the ideals are still there. Which only shows again how strong Thomas is. But the scruples on how to achieve them are not. And how could they? He can see it in his eyes, the last qualms killed by a world that was too cruel for both of them to survive in it unscathed, unchanged.

They all three have been changed by this world. Some more visible than others. Each in his own way. And maybe the Thomas of now could love what remains of the James he knew. And certainly Flint could find it in him to transport the old feelings he has carried in himself for so long over to the man that has become of Thomas. But the question is: Does he want to?

Does he want to throw away what he has with John right now?

Yes, it could be a second chance. The second chance he had always prayed for, not that he had prayed anymore. How ironic that now he realises he doesn't want to claim that chance anylonger. Because love is never a fickle thing, much less for James McGraw. And no matter how much this war is still fought very much in Thomas' name, so has the feeling without question or care for Flint's consent latched itself onto the other man. And that is were it remains, adamant and imperturbable in the face of any possible challenge.

Right from the first moment they met the trap had snapped shut. The way Flint had been by then, he'd never imagined he'd ever find someone who could meet him at eye-level. Who'd want to. Not without ever having known him as James McGraw. But there had been. Someone who only laughed at the stories told about him. Someone who was maybe even more devious than him. And unlike him was absolutely not ashamed of it. If ever anyone had made Thomas' words true, it was Silver. He had looked at Flint and seen something desirable there, when Flint had been sure there was nothing to be found. Around him Flint had learned to hate himself less, to accept who he'd become, to accept that you couldn't live a guise for years without becoming it. That that's okay. That it is as a matter of fact a life he has here. And Miranda had been wrong. There is joy here, there is music and there's laughter. He had learned that it is okay to let go of the past. The realisation had come too late for Miranda, but he still hopes that she can take some comfort in it wherever she is now.

His love for John hit him in the face just as unexpectedly as his love for Thomas had, back then. Both because of things he'd deemed true about himself. One because of an image society had oppressed on him. The other because of an image he had oppressed on himself.  
How naive he had been to believe that love had died with Thomas' presumed death. It had taken him ten years. If he'd waited only one year longer, Thomas would have been returned to him. 

And as horrifying admitting it feels to Flint, as much as it feels like betrayal of everything he's fought for, is still fighting for, he wouldn't  
want to miss having met Silver, having with him what he has now, in exchange for none of this having happened. If it could be him and Thomas here in Nassau, having built what they always spoke off.  
By now it would be too painful to imagine a life without the man, who isn't either anylonger the one he was when he first met Flint, who's a darker, less cheerful, definitely more dangerous version of his old self. But, who's still, in being all that, the reason for Flint to get up every morning, the one thing he finds solace and joy in, that he prays he will have the chance to take joy in for a long time to come. And, yes, he prays again. Whoever he is now, John is the one for him. Even though, he has a feeling that somehow Silver would have been able to charm Lieutenant James McGraw too.

And he sees that Thomas sees it. The still shared connection between them strong enough after all these years, for the other to see what he needs. Thomas is probably a greater man than both of them that he can just accept his happiness without grudge. Truly great men. The pursuit of a better world. That's not what Flint is looking for anylonger. The old pain has lost it's sharp edges, even before Thomas' return. Flint is content with what he has right now. Content for the first time after so long. When he thought such a simple and peaceful emotion would never again have space in his life. And their lifes are anything but peaceful right now. Despite it they make it work. That now with so much happening at the same time, victory looming at one corner, disaster at the other, he's more calm than he's been in years. More at ease. A heavy weight lifted off his shoulders. And suddenly what he's looking forward to in the future isn't just destruction.

And it's funny, how in all this, John is the one who doesn't see it. Flint can tell it by the way he seems to brace himself for a fight, how he seems to consider his position to be the one in danger here. How he gears up to make his argument, to sell this to Flint, when his position couldn't be more firmly grounded.

*

Silver comes back into his cabin that night, feeling all over wrung-out. His leg hurts. Today's meetings were for shit. And most of all Thomas Hamilton's presence cuts him more than the boot does into his leg. And Silver can't seem to hold on to his equilibrium. Not emotionally, not even physically anylonger.

He finds a folded sheet of paper on the table. Probably from Flint. Some new bullshit orders he was too busy to tell him himself. Silver sits down with a groan. He unfolds the paper, already readying his reply to Flint. What exactly he gives about his bullshit. That today's plan of attack sucks. And that he's certainly not going to beg him to stay– Where is this line of thought even going? Maybe he should be a little less insufferable, unless he wants to give Flint an excuse–

John,  
my truest love,  
know no fear,  
James

Oh.

**Author's Note:**

> Wow, a story completely without dialogue. I'm not sure I've ever done that before.
> 
> In this story I had incredible problems with the tenses. Usually I just go by gut feeling, but with sentences that describe something happening in the past that is still true in the present I was never sure whether to write it all in past tense or part in present tense. (・・。)ゞ Needless to say I never really paid much mind to grammar lessons in English class. To be honest, I used to nearly fail class in English until I started reading English stuff in my free time (mostly fanfiction^^). Even now my sister, who's a more traditional language learner, asks me 'Where do you know all that vocabulary from?' and I'm like 'You honestly don't want to know.'


End file.
